So I have this friend.
Her name is Esther. Esther Plant.
And she will someday soon be hosting a tournament to find the lad most worthy of her affections.
This is an exclusive guide on how to win the tournament, and the lady’s hand.
Unfortunately, I don’t have all the answers. But I do provide the questions ahead of time.
You can thank me later.
First, shave your beard.
Because you should be able to grow a beard, but must be clean-shaven.
Next, can you toss a caber?
Did you show up riding a buffalo?
Do you smell like Christmas? There will be random sniff tests.
Can you tell different plants apart? There will be a horticulture exhibit with various vegetation for perusal and correct nomenclature.
What are your favourite books?
Write a ballad. While playing a musical instrument well, successfully serenade the lady with said ballad.
Complete a financial application.
Take care of various children. Be prepared for anything, and anyone.
Survive a banquet.
Doesn’t sound hard? Said banquet is a passive-aggressive dinner where you must select appropriate courses for Esther’s enjoyment.
Play guitar hero with a smile.
Wear a suit and tie throughout. Yes, even while riding the buffalo.
If you are successful in all these ventures, the final test will be a date with the lady herself.
Sound easy? You must plan the date. And it must be fun.
If it’s not fun (in the lady’s subjective opinion), you will be cut.
Doesn’t sound so bad, right?
Take luck! And godspeed.